Sin Tax

So I went to buy a pack of cigarettes the other day. Yes, yes. Smoking is bad, I know. I’ve been doing it for twenty years. I’m not ready to quit yet, may not ever be. I cough a lot, and I don’t have much stamina anymore, but I’m worried that if I quit I’ll gain a gross amount of weight. Although vanity is a big part of that, being fat is also bad for your health. In fact, heart disease (much of it caused by obesity) is the Number One Killer of Americans! So I have to worry about that as well. And worrying, of course, just makes me smoke more. So I’ve stopped thinking about it entirely.
Back to my point. I’m buying this pack of Marlboros, and the cashier says, “That’s $4.51.” Say what?
“Say what?” I cried.
“New tax. Sixty cents a pack.”
“Holy ghost on a piece of toast.” I say, leaving with my ridiculously overpriced package.
This is not the first time smokers have been targeted for a new tax. It seems that every time our illustrious government gets a little tight on money, they roll out a new cigarette tax. I can just hear them up there in Washington:
“All right, we have to come up with some more money guys. The Chinese are going to come over here and break our legs!”
“Oh, oh, I know! We’ll tax the smokers again. They’re the scum of society, nobody will care! And if anyone complains, it’ll look like they condone smoking. It’s foolproof!”
“Great idea, Bob. Let’s do it.”
The government and the media have done such a good job of demonizing smoking, that no matter what they do to us now, they can feel justified. They reason that if smoking is too expensive, maybe we’ll quit. And if we don’t, well, that’s just more money in the coffers. Smoking causes all kinds of health problems, putting a strain on our healthcare system. These people should be made to pay for that. Everybody wins. Right?
Here’s the thing. I know it’s bad for me. But I am an adult. I’m not a child that needs to be scolded for doing something dangerous, or a sheep to be protected by the shepherd. If I want to smoke, damn it, that’s my business! The very idea of being “punished” by the government (you know, the one that’s supposed to represent me) makes me want to choke somebody. Who do they think they are? It’s my body. Of all the things that a free citizen should have, complete control over what goes into, or comes out of, one’s body is numero uno in my book.
Costing the healthcare system, am I? I don’t think so. Odds are I won’t live to retirement age, much less to eighty or ninety. This means I won’t be drawing off social security, Medicare, or my children for twenty-five years after I stop being productive. If I get lung cancer, I have insurance. Even if I didn’t, there’s only so much they can do for you. Make you comfortable mostly. The price of a boatload of morphine doesn’t add up to the cost of twenty or more years of bad health caused by aging.
With this in mind, I propose we implement a tax break for smokers. Drinkers of alcohol and double cheeseburger eaters too! We should be rewarded for taking ourselves out of the game early, leaving more resources for the next generation. We’re doing the country a favor. So treat us like the self-sacrificing heroes we are, not naughty little children who need to be taught a lesson.